Scandal

[Jack Harrison]

It is rumoured that a well known member of ukb has been “rumbled” by his wife.

Mr.W had been a collector in his youth and has never denied still owning a net today saying that it is used “for distinguishing Small and Essex Skippers.” But it seems that an insomniac Mrs.W came across evidence that her husband was still a collector when she found a series of Marbled Whites labelled West Norfolk, 2009, the date being many years after husband had claimed to have given up collecting. She woke him and confronted him. It is alleged that at 2 am, he ran out of the house, jumped into his car with his wife in pursuit waving a butterfly net. In his haste to get away, he hit a pothole and then crashed into a large bed of nettles, prime breeding territory for Tortoiseshells and Peacocks.

After a week of much speculation, he has finally been forced to admit that he has betrayed his family and will mend his ways. He will resist the urge to collect in the future.

A police spokesperson is quoted as saying: “While butterfly collecting is to be deplored, it is only illegal for certain species. Our information is that the Mottled White (sic) is not protected. Consequently, no action is being taken against Mr.W. The damaged nettle patch is on his own property so that is a matter for Mr.W to rectify.”

Jack

[Piers]

That's brilliant, I love it...!!!

[Lee Hurrell]

No idea who you're talking about though...

[Rogerdodge]

I'll bet he's not burning quite so bright now..............

[Vince Massimo]

He's changing his name to Cheetah..............

[Vince Massimo]

Ok - final clue.

He's got the same name as my old cat.

While posting this, another story has just broken. The government have just announced that they are considering imposing a windfall tax. I missed the next bit but I think it's something to do with apples.

[Denise]

Does it begin with K?

Denise

[Jack Harrison]

I had hoped to see more follow-up spoofs – after all, it is the Festive Season.

So come on guys and gals. More spoofs. Bankers, Amanda Knox, Gay Clergy, Royals and paparazzi, Amanda Knox, Climate Change, Amanda Knox, Steve Irwin, Gordon Brown, Amanda Knox.

I have set a pathetic standard so let’s have some fun.

Jack

[Pete Eeles]

Does it begin with K?

Denise

I believe it begins with a tee

Cheers,

- Pete

[Rogerdodge]

Clue-

[Denise]

You know that it takes a long time for the penny to drop with me.
Well done Jack. Brilliant

Denise

[Lee Hurrell]

I just got it too (finally...)

Good work Jack

I'll see what I can do...

Lee

[Jack Harrison]

The Vatican, being an independent sovereign state, has sent a delegation to the Copenhagen Climate Conference. Apparently, the Pope has been concerned how few butterflies he has seen in the Vatican gardens since he moved there after his election in 2005, and has wondered whether this has anything to do with climate change.

The election of a new pope is traditionally signified to the waiting crowds by means of smoke signals emanating from the Sistine Chapel.

"Pope Benedict appreciates that smoke could be considered by some to be environmentally bad.” (not strictly true – burning wood or paper is in fact almost carbon neutral). The Vatican is apparently drawing up plans for modernisation to be enacted over the coming centuries. Coloured flags will be the most likely method used to indicate the election or otherwise of a new pope.

The Pope hopes this small gesture will be appreciated by the Conference adding that:
“It took the Church more than 300 years to accept that the earth does indeed move round the sun and not the other way round. It is hoped that the implementation of the replacement of the traditional smoke signals [that indicate that a new Pope has been elected] will be accomplished in a shorter time scale.”

Jack

[Padfield]

All hot air and pontification.

I leave it to you to guess whether I'm talking about the Vatican or Copenhagen...

Guy

[NickB]

All hot air and pontification......
Guy

.. and I thought you meant Jack

I like the pun (and the sentiments) though!
N

[NickB]

In another breaking story, details are emerging of the government's plans to tax bonus payments. It appears there will be a mechanism whereby bankers can collect their bonuses in full, but the conditions surrounding this are sketchy. Apparently, the government is proposing a scheme by which bankers can "volunteer" for a 6 month tour of duty on the front-line in Afghanistan; they will be expected to pay for their own equipment and training, following which they will be deployed as mine-sweepers along the major roads and on the front-line during assaults. Since the bankers claim to be so indispensible to the welfare of this country, the government is pleased to offer them the opportunity to prove it. Those that survive can collect their bonuses in full; those that do not will share the bonus with their family, Treasury and the combined services charities. Those that prefer to forgo their tour will of course donate that money to the Treasury. Of the £4.5bn earmarked for bonuses this year, the Treasury estimates it will raise £4.5bn from this measure.

[Jack Harrison]

I wonder if there has ever been a survey of the butterflies of Helmand Province? Now there’s a challenge. I’m sure Martin Warren would agree to some sponsorship by Butterfly Conservation in such a worthy cause. That duo of Matthew Oates and The Sussex Kipper would be ideal for this venture.

Jack

[NickB]

That duo of Matthew Oates and The Sussex Kipper would be ideal for this venture.
Jack

.. that's the UKB Taliban, I take it?
N

[Neil Hulme]

Hi Jack and Nick,
We went out there in July and laid some 'Hau Loc' and 'Thai Boy Brand Siam' belachan down. Al Qaeda immediately ran away, but some of them trod on our baits. Next thing, they were chucking their sandals at us. Gratitude!
Neil

[NickB]

H'mm - what about the Osamis Binladinii - any luck there?